That would be me. Mind you, I didn't start out as a Hobo - my daughter turned me into one. My teenage daughter loves to play the board game “Life”. I do not. I REALLY do not. She knows this. Last night she wanted to play. I politely declined. I did want to spend some time with her so offered some other options, cards, Mancala maybe? Naw, had to be this game, this night. She broke me with “THE CHIPMUNK FACE”, the most powerful weapon in her arsenal. She puffs up her cheeks all full, round and bunchy, then pulls this cheesy little smile making her look exactly like an adorable chipmunk with food in its mouth. “Pleeease”, innocent blink, blink, “Pleeease Mom”, blink, smile. Damn! And double damn, she had me! I grumbled and rolled my eyes – “alright, alright . . . . I’ll play, just stop it with the face already! Just stop it with the face already!” Then Chipmunk face morphs into “victory smile”.
Since I committed to playing, I tried to re-frame my attitude. New day, new game, how bad could it be right? I thought to myself.
Keep in mind God has a sense of humor and that sometimes He likes entertain Himself at our expense.
Right off there was trouble, the rules were missing. (No, I didn’t hide them!) OK, so we adjust. No rules, not a problem. What we don’t remember we’ll just make up. That’s frequently how we do things around here anyway.
We knew each person needed a mini-van and a player to start. Several color choices for the mini-vans but only two choices of color for “people” pieces - blue for male, pink for female. I chose blue. Piper chose blue too. Next we needed money. We couldn’t remember how much we were supposed to start with, so, what the heck, how about a million bucks? Yesssss . . . we both liked that. A million bucks it is! “Oh, and NOOO TAXES!” We were beginning to think having no rules might be an advantage after all. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Next decision – college or go straight to a career? I had a million UNTAXED dollars in my bank account. College hadn’t worked out so well in real life so, yeah, I’m going straight to career. I drew my card - the Entertainer, yippeee!! Next, a “Salary” card to go with my career. $90,000. Per pay period, WaHoo! I’m diggin’ this.
Piper chose college. Her card said she was going to be a computer nerd. Her salary card pays $60,000. Ahhhh, too bad, so sad Piper.
Once you’ve chosen your player, decided your path and have money in the bank it’s time to start spinning the Wheel of Fate. My first spin –A spouse? Huh? Whuuut?! I don’t want a spouse! “You have to take it Mom,” says Piper, the self-appointed Game Sheriff. I glared at her for a few seconds then stuck a little pink piece next to the blue one, in my mini-van – excuse me, “OUR” mini-van. Piper spins. HA! She got stuck with a spouse too – no sympathy for you daughter dear! But instead of choosing a pink piece for her blue player, she chose a blue spouse to go with her blue player. Hmm, OK. We’re pretty open-minded around here, it’s all good.
My next spin, I landed on “Twins!” What?! I haven’t recovered from having to take a SPOUSE! “This game is rigged!” I yelled. My daughter just grinned.
Her turn to spin. She sailed right past ‘baby boy’ and landed on a “Life” space – means she got to draw a “Life” tile. The tile she drew declared she’d just written “The Great American Novel” and received $150,000. – which she ceremoniously added to her cool million.
Next I landed on a ‘House’ space. I drew my card. You’ve GOT to be kidding me – a broken down old shack? Who comes up with this stuff anyway? God and His sense of humor immediately came to mind. Piper leaned across the board, “Looks like a Hobo house to me Mom,” and she patted my hand – which I quickly withdrew. When SHE landed on a ‘house’ space, she drew a lovely Victorian home. Got nothing but glares for you my child.
My next spin, NO FREAKIN’ WAY! – ‘Twins’ AGAIN!!! *%&!#*#&#! My right eye began to twitch. Piper’s next spin, she sailed past ‘baby girl’ (hmm . . . . maybe there’s something to this having two blue pieces – I’ll have to remember that for next time) and landed on another “Life” space. This time she discovered the “Solution to Pollution” and smugly added $250,000. to her bank account with a tender pat, pat, pat.
And the game went on. Piper had a nice honeymoon, forked out a wee bit of money for a cruise and a new boat. She also kept getting “Life” tiles and fattening her financial portfolio. Once I received honors for charity work and won a game show. But the biggest problem was, I kept landing on ‘house gets flooded’, ‘car accident’, ‘college pay $50,000 per child’, ‘flat tire skip a turn’ spaces and they were sucking me dry – you know, kinda like REAL life. I was frustrated and HATING it! Piper eyeballed her bank account, then mine, “Keep this up Mom and you’ll turn into a Hobo.” Brilliant observation Smarty Pants. More glares for her. It’s my turn to spin. This time The Wheel took my career!!! I had to turn mine over and draw another - the Game Sheriff said so. My new career was an “Artist”! YEAH!!! I always wanted to be an artist! When you change careers you also have to choose a new salary. Even better, my salary went up to $100,000! Finally things were starting to look up for me. “Take THAT girlfriend – aint no “Hobos” here today!” I gloated at my child.
Piper’s turn to spin. She lands on “trade Salary cards with any player.” Huuuuh??? But . . but . . . she holds out her hand doing gimme fingers and waited for me to hand over my $100,000 salary. Which I finally did, as slowly as possible. Then she handed me her $60,000 salary – and another smug smile. Well, that’s alright. At least I still get to be an Artist. I’ll be poor, but happy - in a soggy dump of a house with two sets of twins, a smashed car and a wife.
By now we’re rounding the final corner, retirement is in sight, whew, then this game can be over! Alright, my turn to spin, SHABOOM! I land on “loose career/choose another”. WHAT??! NO WAY! No freakin’ way! I am NOT giving up the Artist, I WON’T, I WON’T, I WON’T!!! Piper smiles and says I must. Uh-uh, “Life” had already sucked me dry. I was NOT giving up the Artist. I refused. Fast as lightening she lunged for my card. Faster than lightening I jerked it out of her way. “I am NOT giving up the Artist,” I said. She says I must. We face off over the board in a silent power struggle, sniffing our opponents intent. She lunged for the card again, a scuffle ensues - with chasing. There’s not much space for running in our apartment, so I finally got smart and tucked the card into my bra! HaHa – take that Game Sheriff !! “Eeewww Mom! That’s GROSS!” My turn to smile, “that’s right Baby.” Trust me, NO kid is going in there! A scowl darkened her face. We were in a stalemate. If one of us didn’t give some ground we’d be here all night. We finally started negotiations and worked deal. I had to choose another career, but I’d get to keep the Artist - but only as a HOBBY. And my Artist card stays in my bra till the end of the game. Agreed. Now, with a new career, comes a new salary. I drew both and that’s when it happened, the final step to becoming a Hobo. My new career was a Cop. My new salary $40,000. Piper looked at me dead on, “Hobo”, she whispered. With this one stroke of luck, my twins became “Hobo” children, my wife became a “Hobo” wife and we lived in a little “Hobo” house.
Piper is up. Her next spin gave her enough spaces to finish the game and slide easily into “Millionaire Estates”, with no children, her gay partner and three and a half million dollars! I spin, hoping with all hope to end this game. I only got to advance two spaces. Not enough to finish, but it was enough to land me on “Add a ‘GRANDCHILD’”. Piper leaned in real close, “That’s “Hobo” grandchild for you Mom.”
My next, and final spin landed me, and my troubles, in Millionaire Estates - as Piper’s neighbors. Because we were “Hobo’s” we could only live in the backyard. My “Hobo” grandchild, by grace of being a child, got to live on the roof!