A while back I was babysitting the usual kids. Libby (an over the top 3 year old) asked me for the third time if I had children. I said, "Of course I do, remember? I told you Sweetie, I have four kids who are grown up now." I asked her if she wanted to see their pictures. She did so I showed her. She was puzzled and didn't say anything. "Don't you believe me? Don't you believe these are my kids?" She finally said, "If your kids are grown up then you're not their Mom anymore."
"I'm not?" Now I was puzzled. "What am I then??"
"You're their Big Sister".
Ah, Libby. Close, but not quite. No Sweetie, as you will find out for yourself one day, the MOM will always be the MOM, but the relationship changes. Mothers, and their daughters - after they grow up - can become kind of like sisters and they become peers. And it's a beautiful, wonderful thing. At least that's been my experience. Both my grown daughters have become new mothers since I saw them last. I found it interesting and pleasant how many times our conversations came back to the old stories, stories they'd heard a hundred times. "What was your labor like with me?" "What was I like as a baby?" "What was it like for you when we were little?" "Who was there to help you?" I told them again, and they listened again. But this time they heard with new ears and new hearts. The words were no longer filtered only through ideas. This time they had personal experience – which changes everything. Their own experiences of pregnancy, labor, delivery, caring for a tiny helpless infant while trying to recuperate themselves, and then feeling the weight of the magnitude of their work to come is humbling. They saw me now, not in a distant way. They saw me up close as a flesh and blood woman, who sacrificed her own comfort, sleep, and sanity, endured pain and feelings of inadequacy and soooo much more for them. They have a greater understanding of what I went through as a single mother raising four children alone – all that weight, all that responsibility and no one to share the load – or even the guilt. And there were tears. Tears of deeper understanding and enlightened appreciation. There was gratitude that I’d hung in there with them and loved them no matter what they did. They also expressed gratitude I hadn’t killed them as teenagers – they were concerned there might have been a moment or two when the thought crossed my mind. There was even deeper gratitude on my part for their forgiveness of my faults, mistakes and shortcomings. There was quiet wonder, awe and humility as together the three of us watched their beautiful baby daughters sleeping and playing.
As a peer, I know where my daughters are, what it feels like. As their Mother, I know the stages and phases that lie ahead. I KNOW their journey with these new babies will have moments (sometimes hour after hour) of exhaustion, confusion, frustration, and heartache. But mostly they will know joy, a joy that comes in no other way. I see the promise for one heck of an adventure in the eyes of my granddaughters. I call it DNA – and it makes me smile.
To be a Mother is an overwhelming responsibility. They feel this now more than they could ever have imagined. And so far, they’re both meeting their responsibilities with sensibility, tenderness, strength of heart, HUMOR (thank God!), organization, and gentle grace.
On the way to the train station Veda asked me, “Ok, Mom, any last minute advice? ANYTHING you can think of we need to know and do?” My brain scrambled for bits of wisdom to comfort them with. I compared everything I knew to what I'd seen them doing over the last two weeks. I came up with nothing they didn't already know. How amazing is THAT?! The only thing I could come up with was, "Don't ever be too busy to look at your daughter, to see her, to love and appreciate her. You will be so busy trying to meet her physical needs and those of your household that it becomes easy to overlook her soul. Don't do it. Look at HER every day." "Mom - we already do that." And it's true, they do! What else could I say? "Anything beyond what's most important, will be situational. What's best for teething, for diaper rash, discipline and teaching, experts change their minds about all that from month to month anyway so my ideas may be outdated. You can still ask though, cuz I just may know some stuff." I think they were kind of disappointed I didn’t break out the secret code that will make everything good and right and perfect. I didn’t because there isn’t one. When it comes to mothering, you just have to hold on tight, do the best you can, be very brave because sometimes you have to make hard decisions and do gross things, then love, love, love like crazy! I did remind them to be good to themselves - and to each other! “You need each other," I said. They already knew this too.
"I'm not?" Now I was puzzled. "What am I then??"
"You're their Big Sister".
Ah, Libby. Close, but not quite. No Sweetie, as you will find out for yourself one day, the MOM will always be the MOM, but the relationship changes. Mothers, and their daughters - after they grow up - can become kind of like sisters and they become peers. And it's a beautiful, wonderful thing. At least that's been my experience. Both my grown daughters have become new mothers since I saw them last. I found it interesting and pleasant how many times our conversations came back to the old stories, stories they'd heard a hundred times. "What was your labor like with me?" "What was I like as a baby?" "What was it like for you when we were little?" "Who was there to help you?" I told them again, and they listened again. But this time they heard with new ears and new hearts. The words were no longer filtered only through ideas. This time they had personal experience – which changes everything. Their own experiences of pregnancy, labor, delivery, caring for a tiny helpless infant while trying to recuperate themselves, and then feeling the weight of the magnitude of their work to come is humbling. They saw me now, not in a distant way. They saw me up close as a flesh and blood woman, who sacrificed her own comfort, sleep, and sanity, endured pain and feelings of inadequacy and soooo much more for them. They have a greater understanding of what I went through as a single mother raising four children alone – all that weight, all that responsibility and no one to share the load – or even the guilt. And there were tears. Tears of deeper understanding and enlightened appreciation. There was gratitude that I’d hung in there with them and loved them no matter what they did. They also expressed gratitude I hadn’t killed them as teenagers – they were concerned there might have been a moment or two when the thought crossed my mind. There was even deeper gratitude on my part for their forgiveness of my faults, mistakes and shortcomings. There was quiet wonder, awe and humility as together the three of us watched their beautiful baby daughters sleeping and playing.
As a peer, I know where my daughters are, what it feels like. As their Mother, I know the stages and phases that lie ahead. I KNOW their journey with these new babies will have moments (sometimes hour after hour) of exhaustion, confusion, frustration, and heartache. But mostly they will know joy, a joy that comes in no other way. I see the promise for one heck of an adventure in the eyes of my granddaughters. I call it DNA – and it makes me smile.
To be a Mother is an overwhelming responsibility. They feel this now more than they could ever have imagined. And so far, they’re both meeting their responsibilities with sensibility, tenderness, strength of heart, HUMOR (thank God!), organization, and gentle grace.
On the way to the train station Veda asked me, “Ok, Mom, any last minute advice? ANYTHING you can think of we need to know and do?” My brain scrambled for bits of wisdom to comfort them with. I compared everything I knew to what I'd seen them doing over the last two weeks. I came up with nothing they didn't already know. How amazing is THAT?! The only thing I could come up with was, "Don't ever be too busy to look at your daughter, to see her, to love and appreciate her. You will be so busy trying to meet her physical needs and those of your household that it becomes easy to overlook her soul. Don't do it. Look at HER every day." "Mom - we already do that." And it's true, they do! What else could I say? "Anything beyond what's most important, will be situational. What's best for teething, for diaper rash, discipline and teaching, experts change their minds about all that from month to month anyway so my ideas may be outdated. You can still ask though, cuz I just may know some stuff." I think they were kind of disappointed I didn’t break out the secret code that will make everything good and right and perfect. I didn’t because there isn’t one. When it comes to mothering, you just have to hold on tight, do the best you can, be very brave because sometimes you have to make hard decisions and do gross things, then love, love, love like crazy! I did remind them to be good to themselves - and to each other! “You need each other," I said. They already knew this too.