Tomorrow afternoon I leave for home. But at this moment, nearly one a.m., I am wide awake and contemplating the last ten days I've just spent with my son and his family. I have painfully mixed feelings these days. On the one hand, I will be glad to get back home, glad to be in my own space and my own way of doing things. On the other hand, I will miss my grand daughters immensely. From the moment I arrived, the four year old attached herself to me like glue. I don't mind. I love her. And she loves me. She also needs me. I bought her a calendar with lots and lots of pink and showed her how to cross off the days as it ends. I circled the day when I will be back. My hope is that this will ease our departure if she can see something tangible for when Grandma will return.
I wish I could say my only sorrow was going to be in missing them. But that would not be true. Yes, these two little girls have both parents in the home, and yes, both parents love the children. However, there are some unique, shall we say challenges for this little family? My presence, in greater frequency (at the very least weekly), is needed. I give these little girls something they both need and don't, or won't, get once I'm gone. My son pointed this out to me, which wasn't necessary at all since I'm not blind. He also applied a great deal of pressure for me to move back east with them when they move in March. Two days ago was the first time in my son's adult life that he and I had to draw lines in the sand and push each other back. That was hard for me. He sees my reasons for wanting to continue living where I am instead of moving, as selfish. He won't accept that I can truly love my grandchildren and other children and allow a continent to separate us. What he doesn't know, and I couldn't bring myself to tell him, is how deeply it hurts me to see what is lacking in his household and what will ultimately be the cost. He also doesn't know I have to put up walls to protect myself from heartache. I don't like living behind walls. And no matter where I live, my family will still be separated by a continent. Piper will never leave here. For the first time in my life, I love living in a place. For the first time I feel like I'm home and this is where I belong. The only way I could relocate is to know I can still come back and live here at least half the year. And I'm rambling - done!
It may take a while to get caught up and catch my breath once I get home. And bless Piper for sending me pics of Buntah every day - I have missed my little person friend!
I wish I could say my only sorrow was going to be in missing them. But that would not be true. Yes, these two little girls have both parents in the home, and yes, both parents love the children. However, there are some unique, shall we say challenges for this little family? My presence, in greater frequency (at the very least weekly), is needed. I give these little girls something they both need and don't, or won't, get once I'm gone. My son pointed this out to me, which wasn't necessary at all since I'm not blind. He also applied a great deal of pressure for me to move back east with them when they move in March. Two days ago was the first time in my son's adult life that he and I had to draw lines in the sand and push each other back. That was hard for me. He sees my reasons for wanting to continue living where I am instead of moving, as selfish. He won't accept that I can truly love my grandchildren and other children and allow a continent to separate us. What he doesn't know, and I couldn't bring myself to tell him, is how deeply it hurts me to see what is lacking in his household and what will ultimately be the cost. He also doesn't know I have to put up walls to protect myself from heartache. I don't like living behind walls. And no matter where I live, my family will still be separated by a continent. Piper will never leave here. For the first time in my life, I love living in a place. For the first time I feel like I'm home and this is where I belong. The only way I could relocate is to know I can still come back and live here at least half the year. And I'm rambling - done!
It may take a while to get caught up and catch my breath once I get home. And bless Piper for sending me pics of Buntah every day - I have missed my little person friend!