And feeling some anxiety. Today was Pip's last day of her Junior year in high school. Uh-oh. One more year and then what, she's gone? Am I ready for this? No. Is she ready for this? Not yet. This next coming year will be fraught with growing pains for both of us. College, trade school, straight to work or an 'in-between' year, as the kids call it, for travel, fun and good hard thinking. Her latest thought (which changes almost weekly) is a stint with the Peace Corps. or Green Peace, travel and see some of this world (wanderlust is a pre-requisite gene in our family) before I have to make my way myself. I can support that. I wish I had done just that before I vanished into Motherhood. Oddly enough, we're both going to be struggling with re-creating the rest of our lives at the same time. I know in her mind she's wondering what will become of "us", what will become of her? Heck, I know she's wondering what will become of Me when she's not around to save me from myself (she still swears she doesn't know HOW I managed to stay alive without her in my life)? I'm not too proud to admit I'm scared. Not for her, I know she will blossom and fill in all the spaces that need it. I'm scared for me. I've never been completely alone. I went straight from my parents home into a marriage. For the last 30 years, I've had multiple children to occupy - and define - me. Now what? Now what when there are no school projects to help finish, no last minute errands to run for a child in need? No school schedules to work around? Yes, I'll still have Ginger and Buntah, but they don't define me the way my kids did. Yes, they'll keep me busy with walks and feeding, they'll even hang with me on my bed and chill. But it's not the same. Even though I love them both like they are one of my children, it's still not the same. I'm looking forward to the kind of grown-up relationship with Piper that I have with my other now adult children. What I'm not looking forward to is ME growing old. Will I rise to the challenge like her? The circumstances in my life will be dramatically altered when she goes. I'm at an age where I want to work on and realize unfulfilled dreams I had to bury beneath a rock decades ago. Will my circumstances allow room for that? Or will I have to spend the rest of my life just trying to support myself in a dreary job I have to take but will hate? Too many questions. And too late to be dwelling on them - it's 2:30 a.m. My hope is that we will make it through this next year, both of us standing ready in our strength and confidence on the edge of whatever we chose comes next. I know I will see major growth in her, I've already seen a great deal this last month. I hope to be as strong.