First thing this morning (while still in bed), I received the following URGENT memo from my taste buds; “We require a Maple Bar. Mission rating – Top Priority.”
In groggy resistance, I got up and toasted half a double fiber English muffin, buttered it and sent it down. This is the dialog that followed.
TASTE BUDS: “What the hell was that?”
ME: “THAT, was a healthier choice. It was a double fiber English muffin. With butter.”
TASTE BUDS: “Seriously? You think we can’t tell the difference between a maple bar and a stupid double fiber English muffin? Please refer to this morning’s memo.”
So I toasted the other half of the English muffin, but this time smothered it in tasty apricot jam. Chew, chew, swallow, swallow, down the shoot it goes. Two seconds later,
TASTE BUDS: “Really? Did you seriously just try to pass off apricot jam as maple bar frosting? F*ing pathetic. We REQUIRE A MAPLE BAR – M.A.P.L.E. B.A.R. Savvy? Kapeesh? Comprende? It’s a simple request, can you handle that?”
ME: “Yeah, but maple bars aren’t healthy.”
TASTE BUDS: “So.”
ME: “I’d have to get dressed and drive to Safeway.”
TASTE BUDS: “And the problem, with that, is what?”
ME: “Yeah, but, I am the boss.”
TASTE BUDS: “No, you’re not. Lily (grand-daughter) is the boss of all the people. She even said so. Not you.”
ME: “Ya, but, you ANSWER to me!”
TASTE BUDS: “No we don’t. We have sworn our allegiance to the ULTIMATE POWER.”
ME: “WHO has more power than ME??!!”
TASTE BUDS: “Your Hormones. They serve The Dark Side. They have cookies over there.”
All you ever hear about menopause is ‘hot flashes, hot flashes’. No one ever tells you your hormones go all Rambo, freaky deaky terrorist on you and take over Command Central rewriting every physical script you’ve spent a lifetime fine-tuning and mastering. No one tells you the hormonal disruptions and resulting symptoms of pregnancy (only ONE of which is cravings) compared to the hormonal disruptions and results of menopause, would be like comparing the efficiency of a child’s pop-gun to the results of Hiroshima. Especially when it comes to cravings. There IS no pretty picture here.
So what was I doing about the maple bar? Looking for a parking spot at Safeway. As I was turning off the car, I received another memo from The Dark Side;
TASTE BUDS: “Uh-oh.”
ME: “Uh-oh what?”
TASTE BUDS: “Girl Scouts at two o’clock.”
ME: “How the heck do you know?”
TASTE BUDS: “Radar.”
ME: “Of course.”
(brief pause)
TASTE BUDS: “Well?”
ME: “Well what?”
TASTE BUDS: “Can we get some?”
ME: “You dragged me up here for a maple bar!”
TASTE BUDS: “Yaaaa . . . . . so?”
ME: “Sooo?!”
TASTE BUDS: “Soooo, you REALLY love Thin Mints too.”
ME: “Geeesh, FINE ALREADY!! But I’m NOT spending five bucks on a single box of cookies. I’ll grab a bag of Safeway fudge mints!.
(brief pause)
TASTE BUDS: “You’ll have to hide them from Piper.”
ME: “Your point?”
TASTE BUDS: “You hate that.”
ME – through clenched teeth: ”I’ll DEAL.”
Twenty minutes later, after eating the whole maple bar and half a bag of cookies, I got another memo from The Dark Side;
TASTE BUDS: “Uumm . . . . . . . Hello?”
ME: “NOW WHAT? You got your maple bar AND fudge mints, which, by the way, weren’t even part of the initial request. What could you possibly want NOW?”
TASTE BUDS: “Well, yes we did, and they were lovely. Thank you. But . . . . . . . “
ME: “But, WHAT?”
TASTE BUDS: “They weren’t salty.”
ME: “Of course they weren’t salty! You wanted SUGAR!”
TASTE BUDS: “Aaannnd there wasn’t any bacon.”
ME: “Bacon. Now you want salt AND bacon??”
TASTE BUDS: “Not for us. It’s for the Hormones.”
ME: “I’ll go suck the salt off a saltine.”
TASTE BUDS: “Wow, that’s big of you. But what about the bacon?”
ME: “I don’t have any bacon!”
TASTE BUDS: “Yeah, but McDonalds does, and they’re right next to Safeway.”
In groggy resistance, I got up and toasted half a double fiber English muffin, buttered it and sent it down. This is the dialog that followed.
TASTE BUDS: “What the hell was that?”
ME: “THAT, was a healthier choice. It was a double fiber English muffin. With butter.”
TASTE BUDS: “Seriously? You think we can’t tell the difference between a maple bar and a stupid double fiber English muffin? Please refer to this morning’s memo.”
So I toasted the other half of the English muffin, but this time smothered it in tasty apricot jam. Chew, chew, swallow, swallow, down the shoot it goes. Two seconds later,
TASTE BUDS: “Really? Did you seriously just try to pass off apricot jam as maple bar frosting? F*ing pathetic. We REQUIRE A MAPLE BAR – M.A.P.L.E. B.A.R. Savvy? Kapeesh? Comprende? It’s a simple request, can you handle that?”
ME: “Yeah, but maple bars aren’t healthy.”
TASTE BUDS: “So.”
ME: “I’d have to get dressed and drive to Safeway.”
TASTE BUDS: “And the problem, with that, is what?”
ME: “Yeah, but, I am the boss.”
TASTE BUDS: “No, you’re not. Lily (grand-daughter) is the boss of all the people. She even said so. Not you.”
ME: “Ya, but, you ANSWER to me!”
TASTE BUDS: “No we don’t. We have sworn our allegiance to the ULTIMATE POWER.”
ME: “WHO has more power than ME??!!”
TASTE BUDS: “Your Hormones. They serve The Dark Side. They have cookies over there.”
All you ever hear about menopause is ‘hot flashes, hot flashes’. No one ever tells you your hormones go all Rambo, freaky deaky terrorist on you and take over Command Central rewriting every physical script you’ve spent a lifetime fine-tuning and mastering. No one tells you the hormonal disruptions and resulting symptoms of pregnancy (only ONE of which is cravings) compared to the hormonal disruptions and results of menopause, would be like comparing the efficiency of a child’s pop-gun to the results of Hiroshima. Especially when it comes to cravings. There IS no pretty picture here.
So what was I doing about the maple bar? Looking for a parking spot at Safeway. As I was turning off the car, I received another memo from The Dark Side;
TASTE BUDS: “Uh-oh.”
ME: “Uh-oh what?”
TASTE BUDS: “Girl Scouts at two o’clock.”
ME: “How the heck do you know?”
TASTE BUDS: “Radar.”
ME: “Of course.”
(brief pause)
TASTE BUDS: “Well?”
ME: “Well what?”
TASTE BUDS: “Can we get some?”
ME: “You dragged me up here for a maple bar!”
TASTE BUDS: “Yaaaa . . . . . so?”
ME: “Sooo?!”
TASTE BUDS: “Soooo, you REALLY love Thin Mints too.”
ME: “Geeesh, FINE ALREADY!! But I’m NOT spending five bucks on a single box of cookies. I’ll grab a bag of Safeway fudge mints!.
(brief pause)
TASTE BUDS: “You’ll have to hide them from Piper.”
ME: “Your point?”
TASTE BUDS: “You hate that.”
ME – through clenched teeth: ”I’ll DEAL.”
Twenty minutes later, after eating the whole maple bar and half a bag of cookies, I got another memo from The Dark Side;
TASTE BUDS: “Uumm . . . . . . . Hello?”
ME: “NOW WHAT? You got your maple bar AND fudge mints, which, by the way, weren’t even part of the initial request. What could you possibly want NOW?”
TASTE BUDS: “Well, yes we did, and they were lovely. Thank you. But . . . . . . . “
ME: “But, WHAT?”
TASTE BUDS: “They weren’t salty.”
ME: “Of course they weren’t salty! You wanted SUGAR!”
TASTE BUDS: “Aaannnd there wasn’t any bacon.”
ME: “Bacon. Now you want salt AND bacon??”
TASTE BUDS: “Not for us. It’s for the Hormones.”
ME: “I’ll go suck the salt off a saltine.”
TASTE BUDS: “Wow, that’s big of you. But what about the bacon?”
ME: “I don’t have any bacon!”
TASTE BUDS: “Yeah, but McDonalds does, and they’re right next to Safeway.”
