Three times!! Three times today I lost my car in a parking lot!! The problem is there are so many other cars that look like mine! Generic type 4 door sedan the color of the inside of a Three Musketters Bar, not gold, and not tan either, but a toasted nougat-y color. Everywhere I turn there's another. First time today, I came out of the store, thought I was heading for my car then looked around and there were 20 of them. No I hadn't looked for aisle markers. No I hadn't looked for lettered lanes either before I went in. No I don't have one of those key click things on my key ring. I'm a mom. Naturally I must have figured I'd know MY OWN baby out of the hundreds. Guess I should've sniffed it's behind when we were first introduced. Then I wouldn't have wandered around the parking lot for 15 minutes with an idiotic look on my face.
Next time I parked, I made sure to check the aisle number, D, got it, now I'm good. Come out of the store, head smartly to aisle D, there it is, see how smart I am. Then damn damn damn, why won't my key unlock the friggin door??!!! Wait a minute, I left my mail on the front seat, there's no mail on this front seat. Take a step back and have a good look. It LOOKS like my car. But it isn't my car. Didn't dare look around, didn't really want to know if my stupidity had been witnessed. Check the aisle marker, yep, this is the correct aisle, but hold it, there are three identical cars parked right next to each other in this aisle. One of them must be mine. Instead of sniffing car butts, not I'm peeking in the windows like a Peeping Tom! Finally, the third car was mine.
Last stop. I checked for aisle markers, there were none. Ok, so count. How many aisles from the street? How many spaces up front the first space? (this is really too much work) Got it? Got it. Shop, shop, shop, pay, then out to the lot. My confidence was lagging a bit. Ok, fourth from the street, wait a minute, that looks like my car third from the street. Did I count correctly? Hey that looks like my car the next aisle over too. Crap. I don't remember! Just take a guess and go for it. Anything but stand here looking like you've lost your car again. I start moving. My feet are taking me to the first one I'd seen. Cool, my feet know where they're going, maybe my Mom instincts are kicking in after all. I look up. Hold it. That doesn't look right. There's someone in my car! A large, very large person filled the tiny space behind the steering wheel. Triple chins, no neck under a thick head, wide pleated face on top of a massive frame. Short tufts of scraggly hair stuck out on top and around a phone headset. One mean looking ombre - or ombre-ess, the striped pink tank top was the only clue suggestive of gender. I know I didn't leave one of those in my car! She was looking hard at me, like "what you staring at?". It was like making eye contact with Jabba the Hutt wearing a blue tooth and working up to a nasty snarl. I was already passing the hood of the car to open the drivers side. What to do? Any sudden moves and she'll jump out and eat me! If I turn and run, she'll jump out and eat me just for being stupid. I stop. She raises an eyebrow. Crap. She reaches for the door handle. Double crap. If she attacks I can scream and make a scene. The door pops open. She is scooch, scooching, struggling to free herself from the mold she pored herself into when she first got in the car. Now's my chance! I turn and trot the other way. Whew. A whole aisle and driving space between us. I feel a little better. I turn and look back. She's leaning on her car watching me watch her and munching on something or talking to her blue tooth. For all I know, she's describing me, her next meal, to someone on the phone. Finally she flips her phone shut and stuffs it into some form of pocket. She waggles off slowly toward the store, glancing over her shoulder at me from time to time. So . . . . . . . . WHERE THE HELLLLLL IS MYYYY CAR?!!! By now I'm so flustered there's no hope of remembering. My options? I can sit down and cry. I can wander around looking in windows like a felon. I can sit down on the curb and wait till the lot empties tonight or I can wander around and pretend I'm selling enchilada's till I find my vehicle!!! People do it all the time, wander this lot selling all kinds of stuff to persons getting into or out of their cars. That's my game! I was fairly certain my car was somewhere in close proximity to the one Jabba got out of. I headed that way. Ok, now there are only three cars over there that look like mine. Checking the the front seats again I find my baby. Nose to nose but up one from Jabba's car.
When I get home, I'm tying a purple ribbon or something on the antennae! Then I'm going to practice a sophisticated swagger of nonchalance for those moments that take me by surprise!! Just in case though, I better take a good whiff of my baby!!
Next time I parked, I made sure to check the aisle number, D, got it, now I'm good. Come out of the store, head smartly to aisle D, there it is, see how smart I am. Then damn damn damn, why won't my key unlock the friggin door??!!! Wait a minute, I left my mail on the front seat, there's no mail on this front seat. Take a step back and have a good look. It LOOKS like my car. But it isn't my car. Didn't dare look around, didn't really want to know if my stupidity had been witnessed. Check the aisle marker, yep, this is the correct aisle, but hold it, there are three identical cars parked right next to each other in this aisle. One of them must be mine. Instead of sniffing car butts, not I'm peeking in the windows like a Peeping Tom! Finally, the third car was mine.
Last stop. I checked for aisle markers, there were none. Ok, so count. How many aisles from the street? How many spaces up front the first space? (this is really too much work) Got it? Got it. Shop, shop, shop, pay, then out to the lot. My confidence was lagging a bit. Ok, fourth from the street, wait a minute, that looks like my car third from the street. Did I count correctly? Hey that looks like my car the next aisle over too. Crap. I don't remember! Just take a guess and go for it. Anything but stand here looking like you've lost your car again. I start moving. My feet are taking me to the first one I'd seen. Cool, my feet know where they're going, maybe my Mom instincts are kicking in after all. I look up. Hold it. That doesn't look right. There's someone in my car! A large, very large person filled the tiny space behind the steering wheel. Triple chins, no neck under a thick head, wide pleated face on top of a massive frame. Short tufts of scraggly hair stuck out on top and around a phone headset. One mean looking ombre - or ombre-ess, the striped pink tank top was the only clue suggestive of gender. I know I didn't leave one of those in my car! She was looking hard at me, like "what you staring at?". It was like making eye contact with Jabba the Hutt wearing a blue tooth and working up to a nasty snarl. I was already passing the hood of the car to open the drivers side. What to do? Any sudden moves and she'll jump out and eat me! If I turn and run, she'll jump out and eat me just for being stupid. I stop. She raises an eyebrow. Crap. She reaches for the door handle. Double crap. If she attacks I can scream and make a scene. The door pops open. She is scooch, scooching, struggling to free herself from the mold she pored herself into when she first got in the car. Now's my chance! I turn and trot the other way. Whew. A whole aisle and driving space between us. I feel a little better. I turn and look back. She's leaning on her car watching me watch her and munching on something or talking to her blue tooth. For all I know, she's describing me, her next meal, to someone on the phone. Finally she flips her phone shut and stuffs it into some form of pocket. She waggles off slowly toward the store, glancing over her shoulder at me from time to time. So . . . . . . . . WHERE THE HELLLLLL IS MYYYY CAR?!!! By now I'm so flustered there's no hope of remembering. My options? I can sit down and cry. I can wander around looking in windows like a felon. I can sit down on the curb and wait till the lot empties tonight or I can wander around and pretend I'm selling enchilada's till I find my vehicle!!! People do it all the time, wander this lot selling all kinds of stuff to persons getting into or out of their cars. That's my game! I was fairly certain my car was somewhere in close proximity to the one Jabba got out of. I headed that way. Ok, now there are only three cars over there that look like mine. Checking the the front seats again I find my baby. Nose to nose but up one from Jabba's car.
When I get home, I'm tying a purple ribbon or something on the antennae! Then I'm going to practice a sophisticated swagger of nonchalance for those moments that take me by surprise!! Just in case though, I better take a good whiff of my baby!!
