My two oldest daughters each have a five year old daughter of her own. They are also both single parents, and both working in the lower wage earning echelons of the medical field. Means they have important jobs, work hospital hours, but don’t get the doctor’s bucks. Since they work hospital hours, day-care for their daughters on weekends, after school and in the middle of the night, is basically not available for them. They have combined their formidable, creative forces and arranged schedules so that one sister has the girls while the other sister works and vice versa. From the little girl’s perspectives, the Adult On Board for the day will either be her own Mother, or her Auntie. Thus the term “Mom-tie”. It is appropriate and works no matter which child is using it.

So far, this sounds more glorious and glamorous than it really is. Motherhood at its very best, even with a great co-partner on board, can never be called glorious OR glamorous. The pace and responsibility of Single-Motherhood is exhausting, mind-boggling, overwhelming, and can get downright ugly. There is no harder job on this planet. Having been a single mother myself, I know what these two women are up against. Having raised these two women, and now see their daughters, I know what these two are really up against.

Ever heard of The Mother’s Curse? You know, those words that may have escaped your clenched teeth in moments of your own parenting despair; “someday, I hope you get a child who acts just like you!” Believe in the curse, it works. In this case, that’s the bad news AND the good news. Spirited, sneaky, brains under single management – their own, and FIRE, FIRE, FIRE, are words I would have used to describe these sisters. As well as, fun, energetic, curious, loyal, creative, imaginative, delightful, hearts as big as their spirits and better than gold. The spirit of each girl filled whatever room she entered and made it sparkle with magic. I have also just described their daughters. In truth, my daughters are both raising a miniature version of herself – and her sister. Wait, does that constitute a double curse? Uh-oh, not sure, but maybe. Karma, it can really be a bitch.

Technically the five year olds are cousin’s, but they are all but joined physically at the hip. Same age, same school, same CLASSROOM in school, same family and same care-givers. The mother’s at least have breaks from each other while at work. The girls do not. They are being raised as sisters. Means they are BF’s, thick as thieves - and just as sneaky one minute, and at each other’s throats the next. It’s a love hate relationship which just amps up the good times and moments of exasperation for their Mom’s.  (As well as their school teacher, but that’s for another time, God bless her.)

When my girls were younger, would I have wished this life for them? Did I wish tears, struggles and exhaustion on them? No. I did hope my children would always be close. I wanted for them to have a life of joy. I had hoped their lives would fall nicely and quietly into place for them. I wished for them picture perfect. I hoped for them the greatest of blessings from Heaven.  

Picture perfect is a fantasy. Blessings are real. And these two grown women are blessed and bless each other – and their daughters and nieces. I am not physically within distance to help them and enjoy them and their daughters like I always hoped I would be (one of the greatest sorrows of my life). But these two each have their sister. And that’s solid. How to love each other was never a problem. How to make life beautiful was never a problem. How to fight and disagree without killing each other, now that, has been a problem. For two plus decades. To see these amazing women grow and mature and weather their storms as individuals and as a team is better than perfect. To watch them carve out their lives with their bare hands, to see their strength leaves me in awe. To watch them ride the tides of their own humanity and their own womanhood is thrilling to me as their mother. To know the beauty of each of them through and through, to be deemed Mother and Friend to them, is one of my greatest joys. Their amazing daughters, who are so much like their mothers, are another. These two have shown me The Mother’s Curse can be a blessing. All Hail The Momtie!!!
 
 

Will be leaving soon for a two week visit with my older daughters and their daughters. Piper is coming with me, this will be her first trip anywhere by plane and our air time will be extensive. This will also be the first time in six years I will have all my daughters together in one spot! And now they're all grown-ups!  Am I excited? HECK YA!! Also a little anxious to be leaving Buntah. Every other time I've gone away, Pip has been here to care for her. My dear sweet loving friend will be coming in to take care of her, but silly as this may sound, I'm afraid Buntah will think we've abandoned her. I know myself, I will be calling every night to check on them.

I started a letter to my daughters a few weeks ago when they asked me for advice on Life and Happiness. At this rate, I'll see them before the letter is finished. However, I will finish it. Who knows what kind of wisdom will come from our combined conversations?! I will post the letter here on my blog with the other family letters.

Pip and I drove down the coast on Saturday and went out on a Whale Watching adventure. It was exciting and disappointing at the same time. I had expected to see whales, which we did - one Blue Whale and two Humpbacks - but never got close enough for a good look see. We saw a lot of 'spouting' and some tail. The water was a bit choppy making for rougher waves, which makes it harder to see them. We never got to see how big they really were and no opportunity to see faces. No breaching.  Still, it was a once in a life-time thing for us. Once was probably enough. Unless, of course, I could know for certain I'd get a good close-up look, then I'd be out there again so fast!!  Both of us enjoyed the trip out onto the ocean since neither of us had ever been before. Took some pictures but haven't figured out how to get them from the camera to the computer. One I do, I'll post a few.

I have a lot to do before we can leave for our trip. One thing in particular; I have to finish a blanket I started nine months ago for one of my grand daughters. It was my first real quilt and I messed it up as only I can mess something up. I'm trying to save it now. Both luck AND skill have been slow in coming to me!!

THE BADDASS – My oldest daughter thinks I am a BADDASS. Why? Because I didn’t kill her when she was a child. 

She called a few days ago to lay this new title on me. Her inspiration for my new title was a particularly trying trip to the grocery store with her own two-year-old daughter. My daughter, Veda, is increasingly aware of the similarities in her personality and that of her own daughter. The more she learns, the more she's impressed she's impressed with me. I'll take it. My daughter had such a strong propensity for dramatic flare that her grandfather nicknamed her “Little Shakespeare” by the time she turned two herself.

Veda shared her ordeal. This is the tale of “The Cookies”, and hearing her       I had to laugh out loud.    Picture this, busy grocery store in the middle of the afternoon, the "I'm a procrastinator, what's for dinner tonight" crowd in force. Here comes a pretty, but tired and somewhat frazzled single mom, just off a long shift and still in her hospital scrubs. Her big brown eyes show weariness and say  . She is anxious to get through this grocery store as quickly, and quietly, as possible and on to the next obligation of the waning day.  Her sweet two year old daughter sits in the front of the basket, bouncy blonde hair, dimples and bright saucy, blue eyes daring anyone to displease her (remember, she is her Mother's child).  Make no mistake, this is an adorable child, face of an Angel. But here's the thing about grocery stores and children if you don't already know it, grocery stores turn children into terrorists. It's true.  Really it is. Avoid mixing the two whenever possible. Cookie aisles are the worst.  Veda looked down her list, the cookie aisle could not be avoided this trip. Her daughter loves cookies of course, again her mother's child. The cookie aisle was next.

My granddaughter is smart - and she has skills. Skills she was born with that cannot be explained. My granddaughter can sniff out a package of Oreo’s if it's buried in the ground. And my granddaughter really likes Oreo's. This child is also smart enough to know that if her mother was going to kill her, it wouldn't be in front of the "what's for dinner crowd." All children it seems are born knowing this. Mom starts the cart down the aisle. Child, even though they are behind her, her spine tingles and can sense the presence of OREO'S. She says she would like some cookies. It's before dinner, my daughter tried to reason with her child but in the end the answer was still no. Know this, you cannot reason with terrorists no matter their age or size. Now the child, realizing the potential for an attentive audience and maximized embarrassment for Mom, begins throwing herself dramatically side to side in the seat of the cart, head flopping, arms flailing. Giant tears, lots of drool, anguished pleas, even outstretched arms, “COOOOOKIES!  Cooooookies!” jerk crash, jerk crash as her little feet kick against the cart. And sure enough, the sound of her anguished cries are distressing enough to draw the attention of every busy body within half a mile - in the grocery store that can be a lot of smart ass busy bodies. Some of the male store patrons slid my daughter a sympathetic eye, but the ladies, oh the ladies - not so sympathetic. When it comes to matters of well-behaved, or NOT well-behaved children, every woman knows what's best. And some women, if you don't know it already, some women WILL tell you what you're doing wrong with your child.   My daughter tried again to reason. Up the volume and intensity of tantrum. Now my daughter decided just to ignore and go along her way.  People were staring, eyes bugged and mouths agape, that's hard to ignore. Especially when you're tired, over worked and already frazzled.

In admittedly, not her best parenting moment, she caved. My daughter caved. She finally reached back, grabbed a bag of goddamn Oreo’s and ripped it open right there in the aisle. Ahhh, silence. It's hard to cry and carry on when your mouth is full of yummy chocolatey Oreo's.  One woman, who had drawn nearer with a nasty eye of harsh and criticizing judgment, continued to stare, mouth agape. My daughter, pushed beyond reason, no more patience, and feeling backed into a corner, turned, faced the woman head-on with all the intensity of emotion that ebbs from you in a moment like this, and stared the woman down.  Both women, eyes locked, mental slashing going on, stared at each other. 5 seconds, 10 seconds, 20 seconds, that's it, my daughters hip swings out her head jags to the side, and “yeah, I opened the package – you got a problem with that?!” spewed from her mouth. The older woman, hmphfed, flipped her hair and snorted as she finally sailed under the shade of her own nose. The only victor was my granddaughter (who by the way was quite content at this point).

Story over, trying to stop laughing because now were coming the serious questions. “How did you do it Mom? What did you do?” I was still laughing. Oh, alright, how did I do it? Honestly I can’t remember if I used any secret tricks. I was a single mom too - with FOUR children. When you're single, there’s no one to leave the kids with while you go shopping, you have to take them with you to this terrible place.

I do remember making a list of "Rules for Personal Conduct in Public Places" and posting it on the wall. And before we even got to the store, the kids were informed of what was going to go down and what wasn't. They were informed of the consequences for crossing said lines in advance. I've walked away from a full cart more than once to take an unruly surprised child home. I tried to do our shopping after dinner or after a meal on weekends so they were less vulnerable to the temptations. We also had a “you can only ask once rule” in our family, which carried over to road trip “are we there yet’s” as well as the grocery store. I guess they figured if they only get to ask once you better make sure it’s something you really, really want. Gave them something to think about for a bit anyway.

“Motherhood pushes you to every imaginable limit and beyond,” I told my daughter, “you’ll make some good choices and you'll make some bad choices. Oh and you'll feel guilty all the time for something, that’s part of the package too.” I know my daughter, she’ll shine mostly and some day, someday, her daughter will be calling her to tell her what a BADDASS she was!