Mostly what you hear about peri-menopause is ‘hot flashes, hot flashes’. No one tells you your Hormones will go Freaky Deaky Rambo Balistic on you, and take over Command Central terrorist style. They forget to mention the hormonal changes during pregnancy, as compared to the hormonal disruptions of peri-menopause, are like the difference between an assault rifle and a nuclear bomb. Especially when it comes to cravings. There IS no pretty picture here. There is no middle ground. When Hormones are in charge of cravings, there are no peace-talks. And you are the prisoner.
First thing this morning, before I even opened my eyes, I received the following URGENT memo from my taste buds; “We require a Maple Bar. Mission rating – Top Priority.”
Trying to maintain a semblance of reason and better health, I got up and toasted half a double fiber English muffin. When it popped, I buttered it, chewed it and sent it down the gullet. Within seconds, there was trouble. The following is the resulting conversation between my Taste Buds and the Reasonable Me.
TASTE BUDS: “What the hell was that?”
ME: “THAT, was a healthier choice. It was a double fiber English muffin. With butter.”
TASTE BUDS: “Seriously? You think we can’t tell the difference between a maple bar and a stupid fiber English muffin? Refer to this morning’s memo.”
So, I toasted the other half of the English muffin, but this time smeared it with tasty apricot jam. Chew, chew, swallow, swallow, down the shoot it goes. Two seconds later,
TASTE BUDS: “Really? Did you seriously just try to pass off apricot jam as maple bar frosting? Pathetic. We REQUIRE A MAPLE BAR – M.A.P.L.E. B.A.R. Savvy? Kapeesh? Comprende? It’s a simple request, can you handle that?”
ME: “Yeah, but maple bars aren’t healthy.”
TASTE BUDS: “So.”
ME: “So, I’d have to get dressed and drive up to Safeway.”
TASTE BUDS: “And the problem, with that, is what?”
ME: “Yeah, but, I am the boss.”
TASTE BUDS: “No, you’re not. Lily (grand-daughter) is the boss of all the people. She even said so. Not you.”
ME: “Yeah, but, you ANSWER to me!”
TASTE BUDS: “WRONG Kemosabe!!! We have sworn our allegiance to the ULTIMATE POWER.”
ME: “WHO has more power than ME??!!”
TASTE BUDS: “Your Hormones. And they serve The Dark Side. They have cookies over there.”
Ten minutes later, I was pulling into a parking spot at Safeway. As I was turning off the car, I received another memo from The Dark Side;
TASTE BUDS: “Uh-oh.”
ME: “Uh-oh, what?”
TASTE BUDS: “Girl Scouts at two o’clock.”
ME: “How the heck do you know?”
TASTE BUDS: “Radar.”
ME: “Of course.”
(brief pause)
TASTE BUDS: “Well?”
ME: “Well what?”
TASTE BUDS: “Can we get some?”
ME: “You dragged me up here for a maple bar!”
TASTE BUDS: “Yaaaa . . . . . So?”
ME: “SooOOoo?!”
TASTE BUDS: “Soooo, you REALLY love Thin Mints too.”
ME: “Geeesh, #!@!%&* FINE ALREADY!! But I’m NOT spending five bucks on a single box of cookies, I don’t care how cute those Girl Scouts are. I’ll get Safeway Fudge Mints!
(brief pause)
TASTE BUDS: “You’ll have to hide them from Piper.”
ME: “Your point?”
TASTE BUDS: “You hate that.”
ME – through clenched teeth: ”I’ll DEAL.”
Twenty minutes later, after eating the whole maple bar and half a bag of cookies, I got another memo from The Dark Side;
TASTE BUDS: “Uumm . . . . . . hello? . . . . . . . . . . Heeeelllllo?”
ME: “NOW WHAT? You got your maple bar AND fudge mints! Which, by the way, weren’t even part of the deal. What could you possibly want NOW?”
TASTE BUDS: “Well . . . . yes we did, and Thank you. They were lovely, but . . . . . . . “
ME: “But, WHAT?”
TASTE BUDS: “They weren’t salty.”
ME: “Of course they weren’t salty! You wanted SUGAR!”
TASTE BUDS: “Aaannnd there wasn’t any bacon.”
ME: “Bacon? Now you want salt AND bacon??”
TASTE BUDS: “Not for us. For the Hormones.”
ME: “I’ll go suck the salt off a saltine.”
TASTE BUDS: “Wow, that’s big of you. But what about the bacon?”
ME: “I don’t have any bacon!”
TASTE BUDS: “Yeah, but McDonalds does, and they’re right next to Safeway.”
First thing this morning, before I even opened my eyes, I received the following URGENT memo from my taste buds; “We require a Maple Bar. Mission rating – Top Priority.”
Trying to maintain a semblance of reason and better health, I got up and toasted half a double fiber English muffin. When it popped, I buttered it, chewed it and sent it down the gullet. Within seconds, there was trouble. The following is the resulting conversation between my Taste Buds and the Reasonable Me.
TASTE BUDS: “What the hell was that?”
ME: “THAT, was a healthier choice. It was a double fiber English muffin. With butter.”
TASTE BUDS: “Seriously? You think we can’t tell the difference between a maple bar and a stupid fiber English muffin? Refer to this morning’s memo.”
So, I toasted the other half of the English muffin, but this time smeared it with tasty apricot jam. Chew, chew, swallow, swallow, down the shoot it goes. Two seconds later,
TASTE BUDS: “Really? Did you seriously just try to pass off apricot jam as maple bar frosting? Pathetic. We REQUIRE A MAPLE BAR – M.A.P.L.E. B.A.R. Savvy? Kapeesh? Comprende? It’s a simple request, can you handle that?”
ME: “Yeah, but maple bars aren’t healthy.”
TASTE BUDS: “So.”
ME: “So, I’d have to get dressed and drive up to Safeway.”
TASTE BUDS: “And the problem, with that, is what?”
ME: “Yeah, but, I am the boss.”
TASTE BUDS: “No, you’re not. Lily (grand-daughter) is the boss of all the people. She even said so. Not you.”
ME: “Yeah, but, you ANSWER to me!”
TASTE BUDS: “WRONG Kemosabe!!! We have sworn our allegiance to the ULTIMATE POWER.”
ME: “WHO has more power than ME??!!”
TASTE BUDS: “Your Hormones. And they serve The Dark Side. They have cookies over there.”
Ten minutes later, I was pulling into a parking spot at Safeway. As I was turning off the car, I received another memo from The Dark Side;
TASTE BUDS: “Uh-oh.”
ME: “Uh-oh, what?”
TASTE BUDS: “Girl Scouts at two o’clock.”
ME: “How the heck do you know?”
TASTE BUDS: “Radar.”
ME: “Of course.”
(brief pause)
TASTE BUDS: “Well?”
ME: “Well what?”
TASTE BUDS: “Can we get some?”
ME: “You dragged me up here for a maple bar!”
TASTE BUDS: “Yaaaa . . . . . So?”
ME: “SooOOoo?!”
TASTE BUDS: “Soooo, you REALLY love Thin Mints too.”
ME: “Geeesh, #!@!%&* FINE ALREADY!! But I’m NOT spending five bucks on a single box of cookies, I don’t care how cute those Girl Scouts are. I’ll get Safeway Fudge Mints!
(brief pause)
TASTE BUDS: “You’ll have to hide them from Piper.”
ME: “Your point?”
TASTE BUDS: “You hate that.”
ME – through clenched teeth: ”I’ll DEAL.”
Twenty minutes later, after eating the whole maple bar and half a bag of cookies, I got another memo from The Dark Side;
TASTE BUDS: “Uumm . . . . . . hello? . . . . . . . . . . Heeeelllllo?”
ME: “NOW WHAT? You got your maple bar AND fudge mints! Which, by the way, weren’t even part of the deal. What could you possibly want NOW?”
TASTE BUDS: “Well . . . . yes we did, and Thank you. They were lovely, but . . . . . . . “
ME: “But, WHAT?”
TASTE BUDS: “They weren’t salty.”
ME: “Of course they weren’t salty! You wanted SUGAR!”
TASTE BUDS: “Aaannnd there wasn’t any bacon.”
ME: “Bacon? Now you want salt AND bacon??”
TASTE BUDS: “Not for us. For the Hormones.”
ME: “I’ll go suck the salt off a saltine.”
TASTE BUDS: “Wow, that’s big of you. But what about the bacon?”
ME: “I don’t have any bacon!”
TASTE BUDS: “Yeah, but McDonalds does, and they’re right next to Safeway.”