_ Generally, I hate looking back at my year in review.  2011 year is no different.  Too many disappointments, not enough joy.  The disappointments I will keep to myself, since they are largely with myself anyway.  The only thing I will say in a negative nature is this – not having a car really sucks.  It adversely affects my life, my daughters’ life and my emotional state. That being said, here’s the good stuff:

We joyfully welcomed two new family members this year.  First, beautiful granddaughter “Angel” and second, a Toad named Buntah.  A third small child has entered my life, and although he is not my own, he is a blessing and a joy.  Raylin completed her phlebotomy program.  Piper began her Junior year – this is a good thing, bad thing.  One of the most unique experiences of my life happened this year, my first train ride.  You can read about it in my June archive.  I was blessed to visit my older kids twice this year.  Piper had a most engaging, most memorable camping trip on the coast this year – something she’ll remember the rest of her life.  We also braved a shuttle bus to the coast once this year – would have done it more frequently but the transportation issues are way too unreliable.

On this still and quiet night, I am grateful for small and silly things, also the major and profound.  Silly, but I’m grateful to have buds, the promise of blossoms on my orange tree.  I am grateful our little preemie baby is thriving.  I am grateful for all of my grandchildren!  I am grateful for grown children who are good and loving parents.  And even though my two oldest daughters are a whole continent away now, I am grateful they are safe, warm, dry and moving forward with their lives.  I am grateful for the opportunity to know my son-in-law better, I really like him.  I am grateful I was reunited for a short time with a son-in-law I loved and have missed very much.  I am grateful to still have Ginger with us – she is showing signs of aging, but I’m so happy she is hanging in there.  I am grateful for my cell phone and for Skype.  I am grateful for the sound of my Sweethearts voice.  I am grateful for my computer, my laptop and to finally have this blog/website up and running.  I am grateful to have a camera once again.  I am grateful for the strong relationships I have with my children and for the relationships they have with each other.  I am grateful for their courage and I am grateful for the “No Drama Zone” Piper and I have created for ourselves in our home.  I am grateful every single day when she returns safely home that she has returned safely.  I am grateful for our friends who are willing to help when needed.  I’m not too happy with my fluctuating weight but I am happy I can hear, see, taste, smell, feel and have full use of my limbs and digits.  I am grateful for Piper’s sense of humor.  I am so grateful for the time I had with Don before he passed away this year.  He was a good and loving man, the kind who leaves a legacy of love and grace – as well as a great big hole in your heart when he’s gone.  I am grateful for all our friends.  I am grateful for the memory of my children and grandchildren’s laughter.

And I am grateful for a New Year and a chance to do better.

_ More and more each year, Christmas is something different.  When your children are young, the season is about the magic of Santa Claus – and yes Santa is magical.  I STILL believe!  And when you’re young, The Nativity is more like a faraway story that gets washed over by the powerful wave of Santa. 

Once you’re children are grown and creating the magic of Santa is no longer needed, Christmas can be a let-down and something else is needed.  That’s when you have to make it Personal.  And with personal, hopefully comes Peace.  This year, Piper blessed me with a stress-free alternative.  “Mom,” she says to me, “how about we do something really different this year for Christmas?” 

“I’m all ears girlfriend”.

“How about, we just do stockings for each other and instead of making ourselves crazy over trying to put something under the tree by Christmas Eve, we wait.  We’ll take our money and get something we both really, really want AFTER Christmas – no stress, no hurry hurry or worry worry?  Whadduya think?”

What did I think?  I thought I wanted to kiss her hand and say “BLESS YOU CHILD!”  Instead, I said, “Uh, heck yeah – AWESOME idea, let’s do it!” Our shopping for each other was done quietly and conveniently in pretty much one day.  The rest of my time was free.  Free to think and observe.

We put our tree up the day after Thanksgiving.  And since we didn’t have to worry or feel bad that there weren’t going to be any presents under it, we simply got to enjoy its beauty day after day.  Piper even invited friends to come over and see our beautiful tree.  She enjoyed telling the stories behind each ornament (it’s a tradition, each year from birth, each child gets a new ornament – Mom gets new ones too).  She’d never done this before.  Since we weren’t enslaving ourselves to cookie making for money this year, we freed up some time to go to a movie, go for a ride with a friend through neighborhoods decorated with beautiful light displays.  We passed a red convertible, top down, grandparents in Santa hats in the front seat, grandchildren in Santa hats in the back seat, singing, laughing, smiling and taking pictures – waving Merry Christmas to everyone they passed.  We passed other groups of happy people out doing the same thing, spirits were high and full that night.

 We watched our family favorite Christmas movies with our brains fully present and not worrying about shopping or errands I should be running.  And in those moments, my mind wandered to my childhood memories of Christmas.  I remembered things I hadn’t thought of in years.  I thought of my mother and my sister a lot. That was bitter, and at the same time, oh so sweet.   When I was out and about, my mind was free to take in all the colors, the lights, the smiles of strangers.  I was also free to see those much less fortunate than myself.

There were quiet moments when I thought about the true Christmas story, the Nativity and the birth of Christ. Moments where I questioned in the deepest corners of my heart if I really believed it happened or not.  My answer gave me Peace.   And then Christmas became personal for me.

 

Well . . . . Piper and I have just laughed, talked, sang and danced through the last of our Christmas Cookies (the ones we sell), while fun Christmas songs played in the background - Feliz Navidad, The Muppets, The Chipmunks etc., one needs that kind of 'go to giddy juice' when one get's to this point  - 39 dozen in!  Although this year's cookies haul will never top the 129 dozen we did a couple of years ago, 39 dozen was plenty for me.  Piper is 17.  When I recall the memories of this Christmas Season - the good and the bitter - I will treasure this last hour with her as one of my fondest. It's magic will warm my heart for as long as I have the mental capacity for recall.  We danced opposite each other, frosting knives in hand with a stack of cookies, frosting, red and green sprinkles between us.  Laughing at whatever silliness crossed our brains and spilled out of our mouths, her still in jammies, me in my throw on muck about clothes and serious baking apron covered in flour.  The stack of UNfrosted dwindled to zero, the rows of FROSTED grew and the final sprinkling began.  Feliz Navidad came round again and we belted it out with horrible dance moves.  We counted and packaged the last dozen (the special dozen, last plate always gets 15), then each took a cookie and toasted our success at surviving another year of this madness.  I will always remember her smile at that moment.

The rest of my memorable moments will have to wait, it's still early Christmas Eve day and I have much to do. I've had an extraordinarily busy week.  I will try to update some more tonight.

Oh, my kids on the road finally reached their destination.  When they broke down they were only SIX hours away from it.  Anyway, today I am grateful they are safe, warm and together.  It's been eight years since all four of my children and I have celebrated Christmas together.  My heart aches to be with them too.

Ginger has had her own stocking ever since she joined our family, and yes - of course - Buntah has one now too!!!

Through text updates and phones calls, I've been tracking the progress of my daughter and son-in-law who have been driving the moving truck and other vehicles across country.  It's been fun to watch their progress and send encouraging texts and stupid one liner jokes. They left last Tuesday expecting the trip to take a week.  This morning they crossed over into their second to the last state to cross, happy and relieved they'd reach their final destination by tonight. Late this afternoon I received a two word text from my son-in-law "BROKE DOWN".  Veda filled in the details, well, the ones she had, a little while ago.  The budget truck did indeed break down and leave them stranded on an exit ramp.  After four and a half days of driving, they were within 9 to 11 hours of reaching the end of their trip, hot meal, hot showers and their families.  "CHIT" says I!  And "CHIT, CHIT, CHIT", says them!  They don't know yet if the truck will be fixed or, if a they will get a new one and have to unload the dead truck and reload the new truck.  It's a 17 footer - and it's been snowing lightly.  The tow truck was in excess of $400!  Veda says Budget will reimburse her for the cost of the tow, the night (or NIGHTS if they are forced to wait until Monday) in the motel and will provide them with a packing crew if the truck has to be switched over.  At least they are warm and dry, will get a good nights sleep, and at least the truck didn't break down in the middle of nowhere in Nebraska!

On the Christmas side of things, I rolled, cut and baked 14 dozen sugar cookies.  We have 19 more dozen to go before Monday.  They still need to be frosted, sprinkled and distributed by dozens onto separate plates.  We sell the cookies (after taking orders) to earn our holiday gift money.  This is a tradition I started 25 years ago with Veda.  Because of my trip to Utah, I didn't take as many orders as in years past.  Only a total of 33 dozen this year.  Last year we did 144 dozen!!!!!!!  It took us two weeks and I swore I'd never make another sugar cookie again as long as I lived.  Piper pulled out the "Chipmunk" face, and darned if we aren't doing more!  "It's TRADITION Mom!"  She was right.  The Family Traditions must be honored - although I am relieved to have such a small number.  The best part of last years cookie baking was that I found out Piper and I could work side by side in the same small kitchen for two weeks without killing each other even when our nerves were fried. That's always a nice thing to know!

Oh, we went to "Sherlock Homes - Game of Shadows" this afternoon - I loved it.  Fu

_ Well, here it is - my recent trip finally laid out in words.  The poem format may be silly, no apologies, that's just how it came out.

Grandma's Great "Moving" Visit

For the space of a week, in a very small space,
Grandma came visiting to alleviate stress
By helping with babies, morale, and some packing,
To her two grown-up daughters whose nerves were over-wracking.

Two households had merged for a combined long distance move
And everyone, everyone was out of their groove.
We have one grandma, three grownups, now add to that,
One toddler, one baby, three giant dogs and one cat.
Strollers and car seats, a baby swing and more,
Shrinking and shrinking was space on the floor.

The giant sized dogs were moving blockades,
Underfoot, over foot, blocking each way,
Solid as kegs with great wagging rumps,
Their tails, leaving our thighs with bruises and lumps.

We had two birthdays in the space of that week,
And one doctor appointment we had to keep.

I should probably mention we all had bad colds,
Small baby boogie snuffers routinely employed,
Which no one, no one, NO ONE enjoyed.
The babies couldn’t breathe, so nobody slept,
Except for the dogs, who slept like the dead.

Baby monitors and humidifiers were constantly humming,
And we never could tell if we were going or coming.
Up again, down again, over the gate again, 
Through the routines we raced round and about again
Changing a diaper every minute or two, we kept making bottles,
We kept going through, binkies and burp rags, formula, bibs,
Multiple trips to multiple cribs,
Bouncing of dogs and tripping on boxes,
Scooter seats, water dishes and stepping on blockses.

Seventeen loads of laundry is when I stopped counting,
One clogged overflowing toilet set four adults scrambling (then laughing).
Our toddler Unpacked as fast as we packed,
And had all the energy the rest of us lacked.

Too soon the big truck came for us to load,
High waves of anxiety each of us rode.
And the tears we’d tried holding back all of that week,
Broke loose from our hearts and dripped off our cheeks.
Grandma had to go one way, everyone else another,
The only thing certain is our great love for each other.

           (And one more big adventure for us to remember.)

Besides the chaos and craziness, there were quiet moments of joy.  A cold late night dog walk with my son-in-law and quiet conversation.  He is a good man and I enjoyed my time with him.  I enjoyed his smile and enthusiasm over a home cooked meal in the midst of a mess. Two cold late night dog walks with my Veda - I did not get to see her enough.  Our whispering talks in the dark hall, in her bedroom with her beautiful daughter in her arms.  One special night sitting on the edge of Raylins' bed as she lay close to sleep, her hand in mine, stroking her long brown hair as she voiced her fears and what was in her heart.  Sometimes there just aren't answers (she knows this now) and we shared tears.  It was a joy to witness my son in action with his daughter and nieces, his loving care and patience with his sisters.  It was a joy to have my daughter-in-laws company for a short time (their daughter was sick worse than a cold, I only got to see her and her mother once).  I was very proud of how Raylin handled a bad situation at the doctors office.  An inept lab tech tried - unsuccessfully- to take blood from our one year olds arm when all she was supposed to do was a finger prick.  She hurt our baby and MY daughter HANDLED her business beautifully and maturely without skipping a beat!  It was a joy to see my grand daughters faces light up every time their mother's entered the room.  My daughter's are good mother's, I'm soooo proud of them.  Another joy - Veda's first husband (I always felt they should never have split) is back in her life.  He is a good man also and I love him.  I have missed him and no matter what happens he will always be family to me.  I got to be there for Autumns first birthday and help my daughter learn to do birthday cakes - our family style.  I got to be there for Veda's 2_th birthday.

And those babies!!!  I enjoyed every single second they were in my sight and in my arms!!!  I enjoyed watching them sleep - when they could (I couldn't help peeking).  I got to read "The Sneetches" by Dr. Suess to Autumn - it's a family favorite and the reading of The Sneetches is tradition.  I got to help Angel (our six month old baby) learn to turn pages in a book and give her baths.  She held my finger tightly when I fed her.  These little babies, like their mothers, their smiles and spirits FILL whatever room they're in!  And bless those darling dimples, fingers and toes!

We have no idea when we can be together again, and that hurts.  I'm still bummed I wasn't able to bring Piper and make the road trip we'd planned over Thanksgiving, but I'm very glad I got to be there for my girls and their families.

I got pictures printed today - again with the tears.  I miss my family.

Whew!  Just got back last night from my trip to visit and help with babies while my older girls packed for a move across country.  It was wild, it was way too short and well a whole lot of things. Don't have much time at the moment for a full update (just knocked off nearly 12 hours of sleep) but will do that assoon as I possibly can - Buntah's page too.  Let me throw this out there for a taste; one tiny split level apartment, 4 adults, 1 VERY MOBILE one year old, 1 six month old, 3 dogs of GIGANTIC proportions (biggest guys back reaches mid-thigh on me), 1 cat, packing boxes, toys, and everyone had colds!  When babies have colds GROWN-UPS DON'T SLEEP!  I was stressed, I was emotional - not happy about my girls moving so far away and not knowing when I'd see any of them again - and I was beat.  Once beyond airport security I went straight to Burger King for a slice of chocolate pie!  When that wasn't comforting enough, I hit Starbucks for a cup of STRAIGHT WHIP CREAM!!!  The girl who helped me was very kind AND understanding once I explained the need.  Just before bed last night, still feeling the affects of the cold I gulped an Airborne.  Still feeling everything else, I broke a sacred family law and snuck a piece of chocolate off the Christmas Tree and ate it!  It was the only chocolate in the house.  "Family Law" dictates no chocolate is to be touched until Christmas morning!