It's the night before Easter and I'm sitting in my bedroom doing penance for being a SLACKER in more ways than one. We're not doing Easter tomorrow, not in any semblance to our traditional sense. Things have changed. There are no small children to do candy and eggs for, and my grown live-in daughter Piper and I do not share a religious connection. Meaning she has not yet acquired an appreciation for the TRUE meaning of Easter. We'll be sharing an interest in "Game of Thrones", but no Jesus acknowledgement for her. No decorations, not even a new flowering plant for our patio. No baskets, no jelly beans. Hmmmmm . . . . . . . . . just doesn't feel right somehow. Will have to put more pre-thought into future Easter celebrations, come up with some new types of traditions I guess.
I got back from my trip on the first of April and took a whole week, plus some, to get all my parts and mental pieces back together. Heck I slept for fourteen hours each of the first two days I was back. Nine days of go, go, GO with little kids and big kids, it was crazy! I didn't spend more than one night in a single place. We played "Rotate The Grandma", and did projects, and had date nights with each grand daughter. And at each house, after the small ones were in bed, I stayed up late - VERY LATE - talking and talking with my grown up child belonging to that residence. Not one single night with more than four hours of sleep! Next trip must be longer, I returned feeling like I'd been in a blender! Happy but thoroughly MASHED! I got one on one time with the little ones, which I desperately wanted, and then the day before I left, we dropped the wee ones of at prospective day cares or the other grammy's house and just the big kids and I had a date. Awesome, awesome, awesome!!! We had breakfast out together, fixed lunch at my sons, drove around looking for a used bookstore and laughed until our faces ached! We finally ended up driving to the next big town south for a bookstore, then after stopped at a grocery store and bought a big roll of chocolate chip cookie dough - which we ate raw in the car. All of it, the whole precious trip was more than I could have hoped for. Took some pics, but have to wait until Monday to get them off my phone.
I miss those people in my daily life, my heart aches for some of the choices I'm forced to make. You may not understand, but this is a situation of having to chose between family and being basically sound and structurally happy. I have enough years and intelligence to know I can't hope that my happiness will come from other people. I love my children and miss them so much it hurts. I love my grand daughters to death, but I've lived where they live (for five and a half years at an earlier time) and I can't live that far north in the hemisphere. The lack of sunshine during the winter months plunges me into a deep and frightening depression. My ex-husband lives there and he is toxic ooze to my soul - takes me weeks when I return to wash him clean from within. Avoid him? Sure wish I could - and I try - but he has a way of forcing his existence upon us even when I visit. Emotionally it wouldn't be healthy for me to live there.
Before I left, I took an another part-time nanny gig. I can't stay with this family. Extreme differences of lifestyle, cleanliness and parenting techniques (or lack thereof) make it unbearable for me. I've been working, then in my off times, working even harder to find something else. I'm exhausted from the effort and oh so anxious to get back to my writing and illustrations. Need to be back in my creative flow, feel like I'm starving. Need to take a day and go to the beach! Constant rolling, thunderous waves, warm gritty sand between my toes and clinging to my skin, getting cold and wet and rocked by nature and not giving a damn. Sooooo need that earth re-connection if you know what I mean.
Oh and today is Buntah's anniversary of her happy acceptance into our family!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUNTAH!!
I got back from my trip on the first of April and took a whole week, plus some, to get all my parts and mental pieces back together. Heck I slept for fourteen hours each of the first two days I was back. Nine days of go, go, GO with little kids and big kids, it was crazy! I didn't spend more than one night in a single place. We played "Rotate The Grandma", and did projects, and had date nights with each grand daughter. And at each house, after the small ones were in bed, I stayed up late - VERY LATE - talking and talking with my grown up child belonging to that residence. Not one single night with more than four hours of sleep! Next trip must be longer, I returned feeling like I'd been in a blender! Happy but thoroughly MASHED! I got one on one time with the little ones, which I desperately wanted, and then the day before I left, we dropped the wee ones of at prospective day cares or the other grammy's house and just the big kids and I had a date. Awesome, awesome, awesome!!! We had breakfast out together, fixed lunch at my sons, drove around looking for a used bookstore and laughed until our faces ached! We finally ended up driving to the next big town south for a bookstore, then after stopped at a grocery store and bought a big roll of chocolate chip cookie dough - which we ate raw in the car. All of it, the whole precious trip was more than I could have hoped for. Took some pics, but have to wait until Monday to get them off my phone.
I miss those people in my daily life, my heart aches for some of the choices I'm forced to make. You may not understand, but this is a situation of having to chose between family and being basically sound and structurally happy. I have enough years and intelligence to know I can't hope that my happiness will come from other people. I love my children and miss them so much it hurts. I love my grand daughters to death, but I've lived where they live (for five and a half years at an earlier time) and I can't live that far north in the hemisphere. The lack of sunshine during the winter months plunges me into a deep and frightening depression. My ex-husband lives there and he is toxic ooze to my soul - takes me weeks when I return to wash him clean from within. Avoid him? Sure wish I could - and I try - but he has a way of forcing his existence upon us even when I visit. Emotionally it wouldn't be healthy for me to live there.
Before I left, I took an another part-time nanny gig. I can't stay with this family. Extreme differences of lifestyle, cleanliness and parenting techniques (or lack thereof) make it unbearable for me. I've been working, then in my off times, working even harder to find something else. I'm exhausted from the effort and oh so anxious to get back to my writing and illustrations. Need to be back in my creative flow, feel like I'm starving. Need to take a day and go to the beach! Constant rolling, thunderous waves, warm gritty sand between my toes and clinging to my skin, getting cold and wet and rocked by nature and not giving a damn. Sooooo need that earth re-connection if you know what I mean.
Oh and today is Buntah's anniversary of her happy acceptance into our family!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUNTAH!!
