Instead of writing an entry for the past few days, I've edited and posted a letter I had to write to Ginger the day after she left us.  It's titled "For Ginger" and you will find it in Collections (used to be named The Stockpile), or just click the link.

Monday the 18th, our loving, loyal companion of fifteen plus years - Ginger - had to be put down. Not sure exactly what it was that broke inside, but something did and she could not be saved.  Our hearts are broken.  We are the walking dead. There are no words, there is no more magic, there is only the deepest grief and sorrow I have ever known in my life.



* I have done some personal writing about this and will eventually share.  I will probably do a tribute to Ginger and publish it on this site.  However, our main computer with Photoshop is down.  Most of my pictures are on that machine, this antique laptop doesn't have the capabilities to handle photo editing and design.  Please forgive me if I am absent for a time.

Not this last Friday, but the Friday before - the 8th of Feb. – by three in the afternoon I was completely depleted, drained of all energies, strengths and sensibilities I had earlier possessed.  How did that happen?  There’s a certain aspect of our lives here that exists within a very delicate balance.  A balance we’ve worked hard for at least a decade to create and maintain.  Friday it came unraveled.  Every bit, right down to where it all started.  I spent the entire day fighting with DMV (Division of Motor Vehicles), the Secretary of States Office, heads of the school district office, Social Security Administration, and the heads of vital records in two other states.  And guess what, in the end no one wins and we are left with one helluva mess, raw, exposed and stripped. 

If you’re not familiar with Jamba Juice, they make all natural fruit smoothies and add, if you’d like, what they call boosters.  Boosters are supplements in powdered form mixed into your smoothie.  There are vitamin boosters, energy boosters, antioxidants, and weight management boosters.  What I needed that Friday, went far beyond the need for energy.  Oh I needed energy, but more importantly I needed boosters for Faith, Hope, Patience, Courage, Forgiveness and even Tact.  I’d lost my ability to be patient or tactful somewhere around noon that day.  I went to the grocery for a chocolate run then home and to bed early thinking tomorrow had to better.

Not so.  Nowhere is it written that, “If you have one horrific day the following day shall be awesome,” nowhere.   As a matter of fact, you might even get me to believe that if you have one day so bad Hollywood couldn’t match it, it will be followed by series of disasters.

The following morning, Pip and I went to feed my friends cats for her while she was out of town.  She has four of them.  One of them is/was a special needs kitty.  First thing we noticed, there was a naked man sleeping in my friend’s bed (it was her grown son it turns out).  Uh . . . hmmmmm and eeeeewwwwwww.  Pip and I are unaccustomed to exposure to naked sleeping men.  It was traumatizing.  I went out to take care of the special needs kitty and he was seizing, like my Ginger had been the weekend before, only the kitty was beyond help.  Our spirits were still freshly bruised and raw over Gingers condition.  Ended up having to wake the sleeping naked man, then he and I took the kitty to the vet.  He had to be put down.  Pip walked home, she just couldn’t bear it.  Later afternoon I was hit with a severe migraine that lasted through Tuesday.

Tuesday morning our main computer died – hard drive fried, kaput, no more computer.   Nothing to be done but talk to fix-it guys to assess damages.  Off to babysit.  While playing with Tad, I tweaked my lower back pinching a nerve and within an hour couldn’t even move.  Bad days?  Nah, some seriously baaaad juju.  Today, Sunday, is the first day I’ve been able to sit.

I passed into “Going Bonkers Land” somewhere on Friday.  I’m sick of drugs, sick of laying in bed, sick of icing my back and for the first, and probably ONLY time in this lifetime I can honestly say I’m sick of reading.  No TV, remember, I got rid of TV 16 years ago.  Ginger and Buntah have been good company.  They don’t say a whole lot and our conversations have been all one sided, but they pay attention and look at me like they care.  Pip’s been helpful too when she’s been here.  So, that’s where I’ve been.  Could still use some hopefulness boosters though.

Dr. Sanders called late this afternoon with some better news for Ginger.  Medication may help with one of her life threatening conditions, we start the new regime tonight.  There is another condition that cannot be helped but after consulting with the radiologist, the situation may not be as treacherous as first believed.  Whew!!  There is HAPPY DANCING in our home tonight!!!  Wish us luck with the meds.!!!

My Sweetheart texted me about an hour after the Super Bowl ended.  Wise of him to wait I thought considering the mood I was in when the whistle blew.  He said, "so did you survive the game," also wise to ask from a distance. My team lost this one.  And since I am not a passive spectator - rather quite the opposite - I was hoarse, exhausted and in no mood to talk to anyone but Pip who was just as miserable as I was.  We went home and spent the rest of the evening eating ice cream, chips and dip (till we were sick) and watching 'condolence' movies.  Condolence movies only work if the parties needing the consoling can be consoled.  The movies didn't work.  Every few minutes one of us would randomly errupt, "Can you believe that such and such play - I STILL can't believe it!"  To which of course the other of us had to respond and expound on our own disbelief.  Oh, they were soooooo close!!!  The 49ers almost had it!!!!! 

Were we any better the following day?  No.  We both wore our team jerseys - GO SAN FRANCISCO! - and took meg amounts of chocolate with us to our varies activities of the day.  At home Monday evening - more condolence movies.

All in all, it was a great game.  I hate when one team runs away with it and the other gets thoroughly stomped. I like the games close.  And the come back of the 49ers was freakin awesome - that's because the 49ers ARE freakin AWESOME!! Halftime show was take it or leave it for me and some of the commercials were really fun and a few were touching tissue moments - the Clydesdale horse, ahhhhh, the "so God made a Farmer", another ahhhhh.  And I do have to say, Alicia Keyes, one CLASS ACT ALL THE WAY (another goose-bump moment!!!  I also have to say, the Go-Daddy ad was not only GROSS, but was completely tasteless in my opinion.  I mean really, what was the friggin point of THAT one?  ICK!!!

In other news, I have to say something about this because Buntah did, Ginger had a seizure last Friday night.  We thought it was the end.  Exams and tests by the vet revealed bad news but she recovered and we brought her home.  Some subjects are too personal, too painful, too deep for me to write about.  This is one of them.  There is no greater sorrow, no deeper agony than watching someone you love deteriorate and knowing there's not a goddamn thing you can do to fix it.  Like I said, I am not a passive spectator.  I am angry, I am frustrated and my heart is being slowly crushed.  I will have to make a decision all too soon that is going to suck the life from me I fear.