The Hobo

"For Ginger"

Our Ginger

helping us pack!

please Mom

waiting for Pip to come home.

little poser!

sweetest eyes in the world!

watching squirrels!

My Best Friend!

February 19, 2013

Oh My Dearest Ginger,

Leaving your precious body at the clinic last night was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready for you to leave. I know you weren’t ready to leave us either. When we woke yesterday, it was life together as usual; smiles, stretches, kisses and cuddles. There were no clues, no impressions that those would be our last hours together. I know now, no matter how much time we had together, I would always want one more day, one more hour. I know now, I will always want you to come back home.

I’m so glad I got up early with you when you wanted me to. So glad there was no irritation in my soul at the early hour. I’m so glad the morning was still and crisp. I'm so glad it was quiet and just us out and about. I’m so glad we walked slow and took our time. Had I’d known it would be the last time you would be outdoors I would have walked you through flowers and puddles and deep, deep grass. We would have stopped and listened to the birds a little longer. No a lot longer. We would have gone looking for squirrels to chase.

We had our usual power struggle over breakfast. I prepared it, you just looked at it wishing it would turn into a nice juicy steak or roast chicken with gravy. You even looked to Piper, like you always do, with your perky eyes and your perky ears hoping she’d give you what you wanted instead of what was in your bowl. I can still see you sitting there, your smiling hopeful face looking back and forth between Piper and myself. I’m so glad I took the time to look at you long, enjoy your sweetness and create a memory that will last as long as my heart exists. My Sweet Precious Friend, if I had known this would be your last meal it would have been steak and gravy, or chicken, orange glazed cinnamon rolls or even the Pistachio Pistachio B&J's ice cream you loved so much.

This afternoon you had trouble getting up on my bed, I heard you from the bathroom. I looked out at you, your soft brown eyes looked to me for help, which I gladly gave. I lifted you and set you on my bed, stroked you, scratched your ears, felt the softness behind them. I wish now I had held you for one more hour. Why didn’t I know? Maybe it would have killed me to know. Half an hour later you coughed, I looked around the corner at you. There you were, your sweet head resting on you feet watching the bathroom door, your precious brown eyes watching me. I smiled at you, waved and told you I’d only be a few more minutes. Your eyes said you’d wait, as usual. I went back to what I was doing. A few minutes later you coughed again, only this time it was different. The sound of it reverberating a frightening frequency in my heart. Something was wrong. I looked around at you again, I couldn’t see your face. I called to you even as I approached the bed. Your eyes met mine. They told me you were in pain, confused and scared. Fluid dripped from your precious nose, foam coming from your mouth turning to drool and dripped down my bed. The only parts of you that were moving were your eyes and your chest, your breaths were hard, deep and labored. You were wheezing, a rattley wheeze. The kind of wheeze Wills used to get when his lungs were filling with fluid and I knew your lungs were doing the same. That your bowels had emptied without control on my bed told me this was the day, the end of our fifteen year's together and then some. These would be our last moments together in this world. Panic, reality circled my heart and gripped it with icy fingers, squeezing till I had no breath of my own. I reached my hands to you, touched your tail, your feet, your head. The only response to my touch came from your eyes as they searched for and found mine. I softly wiped the fluid coming from your nose with a tissue. As I wiped the froth from your lips I called for Piper. The urgency in my voice brought her instantly without argument. I was cleaning you gently and talking to you, telling you not to worry about the mess when I heard Piper reach the doorway. I turned to look at her. She stood there frozen, the same fear strangling me had reached her heart as well. She knew as I did this was the end. Piper doesn't remember life without you.

Today was a holiday from school so we were still in our pajamas at two in the afternoon. I sent her to dress. As I dressed, I talked to you, told you how much you were loved, tried to express my gratitude. I wonder, did you hear me? Did you know what I was trying to say? Did you know how deeply you were loved? Did you know how badly I didn't want you to suffer? Did you know how badly I wanted you to stay?

I told you that we would help you feel better soon and told you we were going for a ride. I don’t know what strength pushed those words from my mouth, I was anything but strong, I was trembling to my very core. Normally those words would have been met with enthusiastic tail wags and great delight. Today, those words fell like bricks and met no response. I phoned the vet, told them we were on our way. They would have a room ready for us.

I gathered your soft new blue blanket and a towel to wrap you in. I didn’t even know where to start, how to go about picking you up without causing you further pain and distress. Your warm body was limp and non-responsive as I wrapped you and gathered you in my arms, your eyes never leaving mine, pleading for help and understanding. The fear and confusion I saw in those brown depths pierced me through and through. All I could say was “I love you, I love you My Sweet Precious Baby. I love you, I love you, you did sooo good”. I could feel your heart pounding like it would burst, your wheezing getting increasingly thicker.

I placed you in Piper’s arms so I could drive. I don’t know how I managed. I tried to get you to relief as quickly as I could, all the while knowing your relief would be the beginnings my deepest sorrow and a pain I knew my strength could never match. Piper tells me you tried to watch the passing trees out the window, as we made our way south. Of course you would. You watch the trees no matter where we went, you always loved a car ride.

Ginger do you know I would have given anything, even my own soul to remove your pain and continue our time together? I would have given anything, if only you could live forever in good health. You are a sweet and perfect and devoted self-less spirit. I am not. You are deserving of happiness and health forever. Wherever you are, do you understand why I did what I did? Do you know I wanted you with me forever?

I carried you, your sweet precious weight, across the parking lot. A woman with tears in her eyes opened the door to the clinic for us and held it while we passed, expressing her sympathy. In a quiet room, we held you, Piper and I, across our laps, your head in Piper’s hands, the rest of your body in mine. The doctor came in, knelt at your side and listened to your heart and lungs with a stethoscope. She was too long with answers, lots of “it could be this, it could be that, blah, blah, blah.” Of all the doctors in this clinic, this was the one I always liked least of all, she never got to the point. Today I was short tempered with her, cutting her off, “for God's sake, if she can't be saved, please relieve her suffering now!" Before the doctor returned with Stephanie her assistant, your bladder gave and totally emptied on my lap. You barely knew it.

They shaved a small portion of your back leg for the injection. I don't know why it made me angry but it did. The needle went into your skin, then the fluid. Your breathing calmed and slowed, the true weight of your head easing deeper into Piper’s hand. Then you eyes slowly drifted, leaving mine for the last time. Piper and I talked to you the whole time, trying to comfort you while fighting back our tears. We told you how dear and precious you were, how beautiful you were, how happy and safe and loved you always made us feel. We shared precious memories, treasured memories out loud with you. We waited, speaking our words of gratitude and love, stroking you. I felt your last heartbeat with my own hand. It felt calm, not struggling like it has for so long. What little strength had been holding us together broke, and restraint gave way to unbearable agony. The doctor and Stephanie quietly left the room and told us to stay as long as we needed.

For three hours after your last breath Pip and I sat side by side holding your precious little body between us, unwilling to let you go, not knowing how to let you go. Our tears ran freely unchecked, unstoppable. We stroked your side, your tummy, your bottom, your tail, your ears, we smelled your precious little feet. Thankfully death did not rob us of those precious smells of you, your fur, your feet. Stephanie returned and helped us make an imprint of your front left paw in clay to keep forever. She inked your feet one by one and made prints of all of them (normally they only do one - we wanted them ALL). The prints show the long hairs between your toes that I’ve always loved so much. Stephanie took clippings of your hair for us, curls from your neck, some from below and behind your ears where it was always softest. She even got us some clippings from the end of your tail, that beautiful white tipped tail flag!

As the clinic closed, Stephanie came back in to take your body. Together Piper and I carefully removed your red collar and bright blue harness. They smelled like you. We said our final good-byes and as she lifted you from our arms, she wrenched the very heart from my chest. Such agony I have never known as I watched her leave the room with your sweet, sweet body. We wanted to finish your journey with you, accompany your body and care for it every step of the way but we were not allowed. I’ve never left you any place alone before. Not even when you had your teeth cleaned or surgeries. I was always just outside the door waiting for you whether it was allowed or not. This time I was lost. Leaving you felt so wrong.

Ginger, I have no words left in me, there is no comfort, only the deepest sorrow I have ever known. I know you wouldn’t want us to be sad and cry. Your soft brown eyes always coaxed us out of sorrow, your perfect floppity but perky ears always brought us back to smiles. Your enthusiasm, brought joy. Your bushy eyebrows and caterpillar nose warmed our hearts when they were steely, gray and riddled with troubles. For over fifteen years, your beautiful warm brown eyes were the first I saw in the morning and the last I saw before I went to sleep. Yours was the warm body stretched out next to mine on the bed, or across my legs, or hogging the covers. You were our partner in hundreds of adventures, our source of joy in the midst of turmoil and sorrow. You were my comforter, my dearest friend and my Loving and Loyal Companion. How can I go on without you? How can we go on and face new challenges and fears without your soft pink tongue to lick our cheeks and dry our tears, to help us feel watched over and brave?

We promised you in your final hour that we would watch over each other (and Buntah) for you. We can’t do it like you did. You were the best, but we will try. Hopefully our care of one another and ourselves can give you peace and the rest you deserve until we can be together again. I love you my Dearest Friend, Thank you for taking such good care of us always, Thank You for your joy, Thank You for your innocence and enthusiasm, Thank You for loving me always!!